martes, 17 de julio de 2007

Top 5: Cantantes femeninas que tampoco me caen muy bien

5. Amy Winehouse
Cada cierto tiempo, la industria discográfica tiene a bien soltarnos una cantante que trae un estilo retro cool influenciado por el soul y r&b de los setentas, onda Motown y todos esos rollos que le gustarían menos a la gente si no hubieran sido hechos por artistas de color (negro). Sacan un video que se ve así como viejo con colores deslavados y tipos tocando vestidos de gris y café y vámonos, directo al reproductor de toda la gente que conoce la "buena música". Ya tuvieron su momento Macy Gray, Alicia Keys, la tipa esa del milkshake y Joss Stone (seguramente se me escapan varias). La de hoy es Amy Winehouse, ya veremos con quién nos salen el próximo año. Su canción de moda va de algo así como que la quieren llevar a rehabilitación y ella dice no no no. Bien contestado Amy, sigue negándote, así no tendremos que escucharte por mucho tiempo.
Por cierto.
Hay algo en esta mujer que
me produce desconfianza. Por alguna razón me da la idea de que es una de esas que no se sientan para orinar.

4. La Quinta Estación

Bueno, este más bien es un grupo, pero entran por tener una vocalista mujer. A principios de esta década, cuando Paulina Rubio sorprendió al mundo con su atinadísimo crossover de mariachi con una batería sonando en el fondo (mariachi hip-hop, lo bautizó la talentosa artista), pensé que sería la última vez que me toparía con semejante aberración sónica. Cuán equivocado estaba, ya que años más tarde llegaría el mayor portento de la música española desde la aparición de Héroes del Silencio, para asestarnos no con uno, sino dos y/o hasta tres (desconozco la cantidad exacta) éxitos mariachi-poperos. Me cago en la leche. Por si esto fuera poco, resulta que la cantante es una especie de Eddie Vedder en mujer, ya que cuenta con su propia legión de clones convencidos de que así hay que sonar cuando se canta. El ejemplo más notable es el ñoñísimo dueto de Jesse & Joy, seguido por cualquier aspirante a estrella del pop que se encuentre en mi ciudad o haya participado en La Academia.
Por cierto.
Hablando de Jesse & Joy (¿cuál de estos nombres pertenece a la mujer?), miren que es de ma
l gusto hacer una canción de Superman sin haber leído un cómic en su puta vida. Hasta Chabelo con su Adiós Superman se nota más enterado.

3. Lilly Allen

Ésta si debería irse al demonio con todo y sus vestiditos primaverales. Ojalá viniera a Culiacán este verano, a ver si el hecho de que el sol está en el cielo dejaba de parecerle un motivo para escribir cancioncitas alegres. Lo infame acerca de este tipo de cantantes es la manera en que engañan al público. En cuanto tienen oportunidad se declaran fans de bandas como Blur o Artic Monkeys para dejar bien claro que son personas preparadas que "sí saben de música" y no unas Ashlee Simpson cualquiera. Una táctica mucho más efectiva que sólo salir y decir "oigan chicos indie, ustedes también pueden comprar mi disco". Y vaya que funciona: en el blog de donde acostumbro bajar música pusieron un disco de Babasónicos que acarreó el odio y los malos comentarios por parte de quienes consideran a la banda argentina un mero producto comercial y demasiado popero; la cosa cambió cuando los dueños de la página subieron uno de Lilly Allen, ya que recibieron halagos y felicitaciones por tan acertada selección. Lo anterior viene a comprobar que el indie no es más que una pose que consiste en adorar cualquier mierda que nos lancen de Inglaterra, así como los otakus ven en Japón a la tierra prometida. Todo esto hace que por primera (y puede que única) vez nuestro adorado México se vea más adelantado que la Gran Bretaña: aquí ya tuvimos a Natalia Lafourcade.
Por cierto.
¿Soy acaso el único que ha tenido pesadillas horribles con la perturbadora forma de la cabeza de esta mujer?


2. Shania Twain
Se merece quedar en esta lista, además de los peores castigos que hayan salido de la mente del más cruel de los inquisidores, tan sólo por una canción, pero qué cancion carajo. Me ha hecho odiar a quien la canta, a sus fans, a todo el que haya puesto play para hacerla sonar y a la humanidad misma. Ha sido tomada como todo un himno por supuestas feministas cuya máxima obra literaria es la Cosmopolitan. Y no todas lo aceptan, pero la verdad es que conocieron la canción por el mierda comercial ése del maquillaje. Chicas, el haber sacado la canción que las identifica de un anuncio para pintarse no es que hable muy bien de su interés por el progreso de la mujer en sociedad precisamente. Basta con oir los primeros acordes de teclado chafa para que todas griten como histéricas, estén donde estén. Esta es la canción que todo grupo de covers de antro tiene bajo la manga para ganarse la aceptación gratuita del público femenino y así alcanzar el éxito (que también los grupos de covers pueden llegar a tenerlo...). Eso sí, el video es un sentido homenaje a ese artista multifacético y original que fue Robert Palmer.
Por cierto.
¿Qué Robert Palmer no será recordado por otra cosa que no sean las tipas que fingían tocar en sus videos?


1. Julieta Venegas

Ya sé que es muy fácil agarrarse echando en contra de esta mujer, sobretodo después de que "traicionó" a los rockeros (¿qué nunca notaron que ni sus primeros discos sonaban mucho a rock?), pero en serio es que ya me tiene hasta el ojete. Y no es su música, que ni siquiera me parece mala, ni el hecho de que no la quiten de nuestra gloriosa radio local. Es la maldita temática de sus canciones lo que me enferma. Todos sus éxitos más recientes me suenan a los argumentos idiotas que dan las niñas de secundaria y prepa al puberto ese que no deja de dibujarlas en su libreta. "Es que mejor vámonos lento", "no eres tú, soy yo", "quiero un poco más de tiempo", "a mí no me gusta tanto Naruto". Patrañas. Si alguna vez le has dicho algo parecido a esa persona que esperaba que le dieras el (referencia barata al mítico disco de la cantante) considerate un cretino sin el ingenio suficiente para inventar tu propia excusa, seas hombre o mujer. Espero que para su próximo álbum se le ocurra otro tema para sus canciones, que éste ya lo tiene más gastado que la creatividad de Maná. Pero quién la puede culpar, si ya encontró un mercado específico muy amplio que se identifica con sus canciones y por consiguiente compra sus discos: los imbéciles.
Por cierto.
Tiene una hermana gemela más fea que ella. ¿Es posible tener un hermano gemelo más feo? al parecer sí.

Seguramente me olvido de varias, pero éste es el top 5 de las primeras que me vienen a la mente. Iba a poner también a Ely Guerra, pero recordé que ella si ha hecho algo que me ha gustado; también pensé incluir a Elan pero no habría tenido caso: nadie la conoce. Si pasas por aquí anímate, deja tu comentario y dime cuáles son tus cinco no-favoritas.


215 comentarios:

1 – 200 de 215   Más reciente›   El más reciente»
Tequila_Rock dijo...

TOP 5

es curioso que no se me viene a la mente alguna.
osea.. para no sonar comun jaja, lilly es buena.. era vecina de SUGGS y NEVILLE STAPLE en Brixton.
ademas.. es la unica que no es bonita de todas.. por asi decirle. es la fea que canta chido.
puro myspace pues.

para viejas feas
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y el NOVIO/NOVIA de warhol en la factory.
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Dinah dijo...

Si bien las letras de Julieta Venegas son muy ñoñas, lo único que encuentro molesto es su voz, y no porque cante mal, sino que se me hace muy... ¿plana? Sin emoción alguna, vaya.

Puede estar cantando sobre como le han partido el corazón o sobre la importancia de la industria pesquera para Nepal y se escucha exactamente igual.

Dinah dijo...

Por cierto, Amy Winehouse se me hace que tiene una voz bastante buena y singular.
Al menos en mi caso particular, su musica me proporciona un escape de joyitas como Belanova, o como diablos se escriba.

Saludos :)

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Javi por dios, nuestra querídisima versión femenina de Ricardo Arjona, claro! Shakira sus letras son tan profundas que empalagan. En fin, Muchos saludos a ti y a la Dinah! BESOS!

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Anónimo dijo...

Julieta si, por "traicionar" al rock y hablar peor que yo, la quinta estación, ni modo que no!! porque todas sus canciones son iguales y porque la voz de su vocalista es el modelo a seguir de las niñas "cantantes" que salen en ritmo y salud o carrusel,o Shania Twain y su canción de comercial, pues... que hueva.. pero lily, creo que te equivocaste con ella y sus vestiditos primaverales... pero bueno.. respeto tu opinión. Sólo quisiera saber ¿cuándo una cantante es "buena"? y no estar sólo buena. No entiendo. lily! Me agrada lo que hace, pensé que tal vez, mi apreciación musical había mejorado... ¿a poco es tan mala como dices? di que no por favor. jajaj

joluh dijo...

lol a mi me gusta amy whinehouse, la de rehab nomas para agarrar cura, pero me enfada; me gustan mas otras, su voz es the winner

pero si, agree con las demas, todas y cada una

Anónimo dijo...

Lilly allen rules!!!!

leugim82 dijo...

coincido en lo de amy winehouse, en lo de la quinta estación mas o menos. no creo que Joy (alegría), cante parecido a ella, a la de la 5a se le nota forzado el falsete, el de joy es natural.
Lilly allen, pues si me gusta también, es buen pop. aah! y la cabeza como de perro chihuahua también la tiene mena suvari.

Sonic Reducer dijo...

La venegas necesita tomar clases de canto y de creatividad, pero ya montados en esto de las cinco más infumables, y excluyendo a las acà referidas, mi lista la integran:

1) shakira: movimientos sicalípticos con voz de hiena al servicio de las "buenas causas", puaj...

2) ely guerra: pobre, quiere ser la pj harvey de acá y si quedó sólo en la P... los fans que conozco sólo lo son para ver si la toquetean cuando hace su stage diving.

3) la hija de rodrigo gonzález. No sé cómo se llama y creo que ni a ella le importa, pues se dedica a rebuznar sus orígenes a la menor provocación.

4) beyonce: a esta tipa la he visto sobre todo en portadas de revistas no musicales y me parece que tiene el mal de saint michael, pues se está poniendo cada vez más blanca. Sí, está muy bien la señora, pero si quiero ver turgencias, mejor me voy a youporn.

5) rufus wainwright... ojalá liza minelli lo demandara por intentar convertirse en su mamá.

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